This time, this short, crazy-ass time, has been life changing. Part of what this journey has been for me is so much more than learning the art and science of midwifery. It has been a journey of growth and capacity. Like holy crap. The capacity I have now is far greater than when I began. I sometimes marvel at how I’ve done it. (Though not always very well.) But sometimes I feel like I deserve a tiara, certainly some cake, or some kind of recognition for the superhuman strength it has taken. Because SHIT. It. Was. Hard. Wow. To be a homeschooling mom of 5 kids, toddler to teen, some with pretty challenging behaviors and health stuff, a spouse that isn’t always a good support or partner, a full time apprenticeship, and in school… like what on Earth?! Hard. So. Hard. Sometimes really fun. Sometimes really exhilarating. Sometimes really fulfilling. But always hard. And I imagine there will be plenty of those moments as a mom-midwife, and I’m grateful for the growth, but in the nuts and bolts of juggling it all, I don’t think I will ever do anything quite this kind of hard. The all at once, being everything to everybody, trying to love everyone enough, trying to care for my own self in all of the areas, trying to learn what I need to know. Lying awake at night worrying about not being enough in basically every category. How could I be? I am still just one person. So I pray and I ask God to make it all work because if He wants me to do this, then He better fill in the gaps. And each step of the way, He has kept the call clear and strong. People ask me why I am becoming a midwife and my answer is simple: because God said so. And He opens the doors and closes the others and reminds me when it’s just so hard, that this is mine to do. Luckily, I love it and it makes my soul come alive, even when it’s hard (most of the time). And after all, one of my life mottos is Beautiful Girl, You Can Do Hard Things. And so here I am. Just trying to do and be and sometimes sleep. 🙂
I don’t know what the future holds or where this journey will take me, but I have loved this crazy, intense time as a student. Even in the insanely hard, absurdly nutso-bananas midst of it all, I have felt so alive and engaged in something so much bigger than myself. I’ve felt part of a sisterhood at IBMS and I’m sad for this chapter to end, even though I badly need it to so I can free up bandwidth for other things and my family. I also am excited to launch out on my own and discover the midwife I will be. It is a fitting feeling I have; I remember this from my highschool graduation time, this ache of ending alongside the excitement to grow and take on what the world will bring. I’m so blessed to be leaving here with truly amazing friends in Leah and Alisha and others I know I can count on and stay connected to. I know I’ll always be welcome back and don’t really need to “go”, but it’s also not the same. My season has ended and the new faces are just beginning theirs. It’s neat to watch them, but surreal to be on the other side so soon. Time to move on, I know. And trust me, I have plenty to do! But for this moment, I’ll let the tears fall and make space for the grief of ending. One of my other mottos is Transitions Are Hard and this is a big one. A sad and happy one. A scary, exciting, holy crap one.
I am so freaking proud of myself for persevering through the many peaks and valleys of this short but powerful season of my life. Thank you for the lessons and the growth. Cheers.